105 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘People We Meet on Vacation’

Now, I have quite literally watched paint dry on a streaming service—shout-out to Bob Ross on PBS.org!—so I don’t know if my approval is the greatest evidence of cultural esteem, but nevertheless, find quite literally every thought I had about People We Meet on Vacation: The Movie below.

1. Hey! That’s the vacation! From the title!
2. God, I want to be in the ocean so bad right now, and not mildly hungover on my Wayfair couch, applying pimple patches to my jawline acne.
3. I need to know what Poppy is reading under her umbrella.
4. Romantasy, perhaps?
5. This is like The White Lotus, if nothing bad happened.
6. Okay, if I have to die someday, slipping and hitting my head in an extremely fancy shower seems like a reasonable way to go.
7. Hey, it’s Jameela Jamil!
8. “You take vacations for a living.” Get her, Jameela!
9. Not to discount the hard work of travel writing, but I would literally take a Spirit flight to Cincinnati right now if it were free.
10. New York skyline shot! Now it’s officially a rom-com.
11. Okay, any travel girlie in the know needs this tip: keep a curry from your favorite Thai place in the freezer and a pack of microwavable rice in the fridge. When you get back from your voyages, boom! You have a nice dinner!
12. Girl, you better do what this friendly gay guy says.
13. Especially since it simply involves going to Barcelona!
14. We love a zany girl and a buttoned-up man!
15. That said, if I were driving from Massachussetts to Ohio with Poppy, I would go insane.
16. Calm down, Alex, it’s not that long a drive. I used to do it (Ohio to New York, but same general idea) all the time, give or take three or four hours!
17. Loud chewing on an 11-hour drive?
18. And burrito-spilling?
19. Jail for Poppy, sorry.
20. Is Alex doing this whole drive? What’s the point of bringing a rando if you’re not going to split the driving?
21. This enemies-to-friends-ish drive is giving Erika Veurink’s Exit Lane, which, in turn, was giving When Harry Met Sally…
22. Very manic pixie dream girl to randomiana-ly find a wishing well.
23. “Wells for Boys”-core, also.
24. I mean, not really, but any excuse to link out to that SNL sketch.
25. Oh no, they have to share a room! I wonder if anything flirty will happen!
26. LOL at the concept of Poppy’s dad picking her up because she’s stranded in Pennsylvania. When I called my mom to tell her I was stuck in a snowstorm with my friends on the eight-hour drive home from college in 2010, she told me to have fun and that she was late for a dinner party.
27. And that’s on self-reliance!
28. Oh, Alex is such a Virgo.
29. And Poppy is giving Cancer, if I may flatter myself (a fellow Cancer).
30. Ugh, teenage boys suck.
31. I’d hate Linfield, Ohio, too if the local boys nicknamed me “Porny Poppy”!
32. Aw, Poppy is manic-pixieing Alex into being less rigid and annoying!
33. The crimes I would commit for a diner breakfast right now…
34. The crimes I would commit to not be in a spin class right now…
35. Oh wait, I’m not! Poppy is! Life’s good.
36. Who flies in an entirely cream outfit?!?
37. This has just undone all of my goodwill toward Poppy.
38. The way I would absolutely smear that outfit in Biscoff crumbs and coffee spills over the course of an eight-hour flight…
39. Molly Shannon!!!!!!!!!
40. Sorry, are cats…nervous around rocking chairs?
41. Hi, Lukas Gage!
42. Okay, Alex the accidental excellent wingman!
43. I feel so special when I actually know the song being needle-dropped.
44. I mean, I think this one is “Kill V. Maim” by Grimes?
45. But I wouldn’t stake my life on it or anything.
46. “On vacation, people do stupid shit with people that you never have to see again.” Tea.
47. Or at least I hope that’s tea when I explore the seedy lesbian underbelly of Romania or Croatia later this year.
48. Relatedly, if you are a single lesbian in Romania or Croatia, email me.
49. Aw, I love this simple midwestern boy who’s too shy to be nude.
50. He figured it out, admittedly!
51. Oh, Poppy. You never need to let a man explain what his giant bicep tattoo means to you.
52. Love her nonplussed reaction to Lukas Gage explaining “memento mori,” though.
53. Oop, spoke too soon, she’s…plussed.
54. Built and he owns a house?
55. Poppy, babe, you need to stop fumbling this long game.
56. We love a just-married scam.
57. I don’t quite get Poppy’s fun-girl wig, but I highly approve of Alex’s fun-guy Sazerac drink order.
58. LOL at this CIA lie.
59. I’d probably pick something else for my fake drunk job, but men gonna men!
60. Sorry, but this musical number is no “Benny and the Jets” karaoke rendition from 27 Dresses.
61. In the immortal words of Allison Janney in I, Tonya… “You two fuck yet?”
62. Seriously, it’s kind of crazy that we’re halfway through without so much as a drunken kiss.
63. Okay, Alex is sexily carrying Poppy.
64. Out of necessity, but still, we’re getting somewhere.
65. Straight people are so goofy! Like, just make out already!
66. Ew, it’s Poppy’s boyf, who is not not giving upgraded Alex.
67. Alex came to take care of Poppy!
68. Am I a bad person if I would absolutely take the flight to Norway and stay in the ice hotel solo instead of tending to my feverish platonic situationship?
69. Has Poppy never heard of AirPods?
70. Aw, I like her little fruit PJs.
71. All I can think about when a Taylor Swift song is played in a movie is how ruinously expensive that music choice must have been.
72. Poppy looking good in citron!
73. Or is it chartreuse?
74. Confrontation time!
75. God forbid two gays get married without a straight agenda playing out.
76. Did this movie just influence me to finally book my tickets to Europe for spring? It may have.
77. Hey, it’s Alex’s girlfriend Sarah, a.k.a. Sarah Catherine Hook, a.k.a. Pipeeeeeer! Nooooooooo!
78. Ooh, Poppy’s boyfriend Trey is cute.
79. And British, to boot???
80. Okay, I’m taking points off from him for describing himself and Poppy as “nomads” with “wanderlust.”
81. I mean, really, who thought this tense-ass couples’ trip was a good idea?
82. Oh shit, is Poppy pregnant?
83. No, she’s not. Phew.
84. KISS TIME!
85. Between Alex and Poppy, I mean.
86. Guys…you literally could have done this at any point without your current partners in the villa waiting for you, but I suppose it is a movie, and movies need stakes.
87. Bro, did Alex honestly just propose to Sarah?
88. I hate men.
89. Not Poppy accusing Alex of settling!
90. I mean…if the shoe fits, etc.
91. If it’s not pouring rain, is there even going to be a hot makeout?
92. “I don’t want to be your fucking friend, Poppy! I want you!” Okay, steamy!
93. Things just got very 50 Shades, in a good way.
94. And all this hot sex actually feels narratively earned! Hallelujah!
95. This Virgo-ass boy wanting to “get on the same page about timelines”…
96. I mean, Poppy’s annoying too, but at least she can hang.
97. Wait, Sarah’s a flight attendant now?
98. Man, she did not want to be stuck in Linfield, Ohio after all.
99. Girl, don’t give up your travel job! You’re not going to find another one! Digital media is a hellscape!
100. Okay, Linfield looks sort of cute.
101. Not as cute as New York City, where this happy pair ends up, though!
102. With a dog and all!
103. Actually, I’m realizing I haven’t walked my dog since long before the beginning of this movie, so I should probably do that.
104. A cishet man teaching at Sarah Lawrence? Okay.
105. I can’t tell if this is morning wine or if the light is just really good in Poppy and Alex’s apartment, but either way: yay.