I used to be automatically suspicious of age-gap relationships, but now that I’m single again, I’ve chilled out on the judgment (for the most part) and embraced the low-key romance of the song “Rock Me” by Liz Phair, about the simple joys of dating a younger man as an older, more accomplished woman: “I wanna play X-Box on your floor / Say hi to your roommate who’s next door / You don’t have a dime /But I don’t mind, who gives a damn?” (I mean, I don’t want to play X-Box on anybody’s floor, but I digress.)
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Enter: Age of Attraction, Netflix’s buzzy new reality series about age-gap couples living, laughing, loving, and having to explain memes to each other. Below, find (quite literally) every thought I had about the show’s first episode, titled “Is Age Just a Number?”:
- This little plane flying over the mountains is stressing me out, given that I just watched the Love Story finale.
- Tea, Theresa. Sometimes men that are your age…are worse!
- I hope Pfeifer’s experience dating older men is good, but I kind of want her to be with someone who disregards her for being too young. Those are the good ones, I fear!
- Sort of a Catch-22 therein, I admit.
- “When are you retiring?” to a 40-year-old? Jail.
- Jorge is absolutely right that the dating world is trash.
- Should I go on this show?
- Oh no, at least one of these girls reminds me of my little cousin and now I want to protect her from ever having her heart broken (or even dented).
- Okay, the cousin-reminder’s name is Libby.
- Nobody hurt Libby!!!
- Ooh, the hosts are 18 years apart?
- And they met in the DMs?
- Somebody drop the skincare routine, because they both look 24—which, mathematically, they can’t both be.
- The only question you can’t ask: “How old are you?” Fair enough!
- Oh, so everybody’s dating everyone else here?
- And they’re all straight, got it.
- Or, at least, straight for the purposes of this show.
- A shame, because I famously love age-gap lesbians.
- You know what? Yes, girl, ask how much money he makes! No broke boys, no new friends!
- “I’m not looking to attract men within my age range because they’re usually super-immature,” sayeth Libby.
- I mean, maybe she and I could do a little cultural exchange where she dates the 32-year-old wastemen my age and I date her mid-20s peers?
- We love a Swiftie with boundaries.
- “I could date you or your mom, and I’m open to both.” I mean, I agree, but I’m scared of Tristan.
- LOL at his MILF root being “the first time I saw Kim Zolciak in a church parking lot.”
- This blonde woman in a red top looks like a Chloe Fineman character.
- This girl is correct in calling most older men “predatory.”
- Again, the good ones want women their own age!
- “I’m John, I’m a hugger.” Ugh.
- Not John saying Katharine “looks like a Bond villain.” Oh, what, like you’re so great, John?!?
- The female host is low-key gorgeous!
- Are there age minimums and maximums on this show?
- And if so, is the age minimum…18? I feel like it should maybe be a ladylike 24 or so.
- These are things I could look up, but I prefer to wonder.
- I really do not find men who have cats to be hot.
- But that’s my baggage!
- Ooh, this gravelly voiced guy Justin is kind of hot, and Vanelle seems to agree.
- I like it when men have baby fever 🙂
- Although this guy is kind of taking it in a depressing direction.
- “She is typically who I date: blonde, good-looking, fun.” Well, aren’t you a unique tastemaker!
- Gentlemen really do prefer blondes, huh?
- I simply do not like this two-kids douchebag whose name I forget.
- To be clear, having two (or more, or fewer) kids is fine, it’s his ’tude I dislike.
- I want better for Libby, the boundaried Swiftie!
- The way that I do not want “a dominant leader” (when it comes to men, anyway).
- “I’m surprised you’re single” is such a nice thing to hear.
- I’m bored.
- Sorry.
- I feel like Holden in The Catcher in the Rye. I just want to catch these women!!!!!!!
- Ooh, first makeout!
- I think.
- Imagining answering the question, “What does your dad do?” with: “He’s currently on an age-gap Netflix reality show.”
- Ooh, wine on a hilltop!
- What city are they in?
- Once again, I refuse to google.
- Wait, they just said it: Pemberton, British Columbia!
- Kind of randomista, but beautiful.
- “Do you have mommy issues?” Get his ass!
- I mean…don’t we all?
- Okay, Tristan maybe more than most.
- French braids in your 40s is a wild look.
- Second makeout!
- “Kissing him is amazing.”
- Careful, Theresa; that way lies a crashout of epic proportions.
- Kiss three!!!!!!!!!
- Oh, Vanelle, I’d fall head over heels for Justin too.
- Obvious emotional damage and a salt-and-pepper beard?
- We all need to take a group trip to girl hospital. I’ll drive.
- I do not love the concept of “the Promise Room.”
- I mean, are these men ready for relationships? Or are they just MILF-appreciators?
- The ring of it all…woof.
- Aw, a ring match!
- Okay, I hate this slightly less.
- Okay, he’s 27! Whatever!
- Well, I’m locked the hell in for the rest of this season, whatever humiliations it may bring.