Nobody tells you how weird adult friendship can be. I’m not just talking about making new friends as an adult—I’m also talking about maintaining the friendships you already have.
After all, by your 30s and 40s, getting together requires real work. It starts with a “we should catch up!” text. Then there’s a lengthy back-and-forth in which you attempt to locate a mutually available date, usually three to four weeks out, and a mutually convenient place, usually somewhere halfway between your respective workplaces. Next comes the excited week-of confirmation text, followed by a discussion about switching the time—“Can you do earlier? 6:15?”—which is almost always, inevitably, followed by the last-minute cancellation of said plan because someone’s kid is sick. Or you are. And the cycle repeats.
This, of course, is no one’s fault. At some point, we all get sucked into different vortexes. There’s the vortex of marriage and kids. The vortex of marriage and divorce. The vortex of singlehood; of dating; of perpetually “finding yourself” at remote retreats. The vortex of climbing the corporate ladder, building a business, or making major career shifts. Everyone is busy. Everyone is exhausted. Everyone is just trying to do their thing.
At the same time, everyone is also lonely. “Most of us make the incorrect assumption that we are alone in feeling lonely, but statistics show that about one out of every two people in the US feels chronically lonely,” explains Dr. Hider Shaaban, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and director at Philadelphia Center for Psychotherapy.
This is very sad. And totally unnecessary. Below, experts share tips on how to better navigate adult friendships—and maybe even make some new ones along the way.
What friendships look like after 30
Before 30, many of our friendships are based on proximity and convenience: our friends are often the people we connect with at school or at work. We spend time with our roommates, co-workers, and classmates, and it’s easy to hang out with them a lot because we have tons of free time and tons of energy for free-flowing plans.
After 30, friendship becomes a lot more considered—partly out of necessity, but also because our values change. “It tends to be less about quantity and more about alignment, intention, and flexibility,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Christina Klein. “Friendships might not look like long dinners or constant communication. Instead, they look like sending a quick check-in text, being someone’s emergency contact, or picking up their kid when they’re stuck in traffic. Adult friendships are built on showing up when it matters, even if it’s not frequent or perfectly timed.”
In other words, our circles may be smaller and our hangouts may be more infrequent—and even a little mundane—but our friendships also have the potential to be a lot more meaningful. Because we are likely navigating more intense terrain like parenthood and careers, “the expectation for emotional safety and reciprocity becomes higher,” explains Dr. Christie Ferrari, a Johns Hopkins-trained clinical psychologist. “And since we have less time to spend with our friends, we spend it with who matters the most.”
How to maintain adult friendships
As our lives change, our capacity for connection changes, too. This can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and that aforementioned loneliness. “The biggest shift I see is mismatched expectations,” says Ferrari. “One person may need flexibility and understanding while the other experiences change as distance or being disconnected.” Here, Ferrari shares some ways to work around the differential:
- Be specific with plans. For example, “Are you free for a 30-minute walk Tuesday or Saturday morning?” is a lot more effective than “Let’s plan something soon.”
- Adjust how you spend time together. Try making the shift from long dinners to shorter, easier meet-ups like walks, errands, or park hangs.
- Name the change. This can look like “I know your schedule is different right now but I’d still love to see you and spend time together, what feels doable right now for you?”
- Don’t take it personally. Cancellations, reschedules, and limited availability are often about capacity—not how much someone cares. Focus instead on whether the emotional connection is still there.