Cazzie David likes to describe Delusions: Of Grandeur, of Romance, of Progress (out today from St. Martin’s Press) as a “prolonged existential crisis in essays.”
Those essays—and crises—assume different forms, from a tortured meditation on the end of her 20s to a Notes-app post-mortem of a breakup (“My friend told me she saw you in public making out with the Chicken Shop girl”) and a taxonomy of the members at the influencer-only gym she accidentally joins. From the beaches of Martha’s Vineyard, where she contemplates a perennial situationship, to the floor of her bathroom on the night of her 30th birthday, David mines her own experiences with biting and brutal hilarity.
Her dream for the book? That readers (especially women) will read it and relate. Her nightmare? Having it read by anyone she knows.
Vogue: Early on in Delusions, you compare writing a book to childbirth, where in order for you to do it again, your body has to erase the memory of the pain. Have you forgotten what was painful about writing this book?
Cazzie David: I have been reminded in the last two weeks why it was so horrible. Obviously, it’s so lucky to have a book published, but it’s hard to know if it’s worth the agony. Talking about it actually is one of the worst parts.
Did you know you were writing a book as these essays were emerging?
I’d started writing some essays, and they felt so connected through this one theme of me developing this paralyzing fear of being in charge of my own fate between my 29th and 30th birthdays. But it’s weird, when you’re writing a book, you have this place where any of your observations and thoughts can go, and when you don’t have that anymore you don’t really know what to do with them.
Have there been any recent social phenomena or social media trends that you’ve wished you could write an essay about?
I don’t know that I would write a full essay about it, but I get a lot of wellness advice because I am obsessed with wellness, and I’m convinced by all of it. I’m trying to remember when I watch a video where someone says, “Eat three kiwis a day for this outcome.” This person doesn’t believe in eating three kiwis a day—this person believes in making a video about eating three kiwis a day. What is the actual motive here? It’s not to get other people to eat kiwis. It’s just that they wanted something to make a video about.
Do you ever catch yourself doing something or lingering in a certain experience because you think it will be good to write about?
It’s the only reason I will leave my house. Almost always, if I leave my house I get an idea for something to write about. But, by the way, the idea always stems from something bad that happens. So, it’s like, am I going to go and have a bad experience and have something that I write down, or am I going to avoid the bad experience?
Do you feel like it becomes a bad experience when you’re writing it, or do you know it in the moment?
No, I know it while it happens. I sometimes know it before it happens.
There are a lot of moments in the book where you don’t quite recognize yourself—whether it’s going waterskiing to impress an unrequited crush, or editing an Instagram photo, or throwing a 30th birthday party that you don’t want to attend. Do you re-read your books, and if you do, do you recognize the person who wrote them?